General Discworld Filk
The Guards
The Witches
ANKH-MORPORK
WELCOMES CAREFUL INVADERS
Tune: San Francisco by Scott McKenzie
If you're going to old Ankh-Morpork
Be sure to wear a clothes-peg on your nose
There's a fragrance about Ankh-Morpork
But it won't remind you of a rose
All those who come to old Ankh-Morpork,
Are sure to see some magic, some surprise
In the streets of Old Ankh-Morpork,
Watch your cash disappear before your eyes.
First the thieves guild will roll you,
Then a seamstress console you,
Money in motion,
To the Drum for some action,
Then you end up in traction,
Money in motion, money in motion.
For those who come to old Ankh-Morpork,
Are quite inclined to find they have to stay.
Its not so much because they like it,
They just cannot afford to get away.
Vetinari's Musings
Tune: Waterloo Sunset.
Dirty old river, smelling like Hades
Trudging into the night
Watch not patrolling, aimlessly strolling
Thieves fade away like light
But I don't feel afraid
As long as I gaze on Ankh-Morpork sunset
I am in paradise
(Sha-la-la)
Every day I look at my town from my palace
(Sha-la-la)
Chilly, chilly it's evening time Ankh-Morpork sunset's fine
(Ankh-Morpork sunset's fine)
There's old Throat Dibbler, plying his trade up
And down in Sator Square
Hawking his dreams of wonders and riches
To fools who do not care
But he can't help but hope
As long as he looks on Ankh-Morpork sunset
He is in paradise
(Sha-la-la)
Every day I look at my town from my palace
(Sha-la-la)
Chilly, chilly it's evening time Ankh-Morpork sunset's fine
(Ankh-Morpork sunset's fine)
Millions of people swarming like bees and
Living their city lives
All runs like clockwork, endlessly ticking
And I feel gratified
For I know, it's my place
As long as I gaze on Ankh-Morpork sunset
I am in paradise
(Ankh-Morpork sunset's fine, Ankh-Morpork sunset's fine)
In Llamedos
Tune: All Through the Night
Oh the heavy clouds are glooming
In Llamedos
And the standing stones are looming
In Llamedos
Rain falls gently, always falling
And the druid chants are calling
Why's the weather so apalling?
In Llamedos
Oh the mist is always hanging
O'er Llamedos
And the harps are always twanging
Through Llamedos
I am leaving, seeking sunshine
Making music of a new kind
Maybe I'll return home sometime
To Llamedos
A
Duet For Death and Susan
Tune: Clive Dunn's immortal classic, "Grandad"
DEATH:
I've been sitting here all day, thinking,
Watching sands slip away, thinking;
What's it all about?
I'd like to just get out
To do more than my thankless task
The hourglasses' mournful sound, hissing
I sit here alone and down, wishing
For more than duty's call
Some time to have a ball
Is that really too much to ask?
SUSAN:
Grandad, Grandad, the duty,
That's what's expected of you.
Grandad, Grandad, the duty,
It's what we need you to do.
DEATH:
Fields full of harvest wheat, sighing;
A sleigh stuffed with gifts and sweets, flying,
To see something more than fear
In faces as I draw near
Makes a change once in a while
Every worker needs to play, sometime,
A short break a holiday, fun time
Give me some time to pack
I promise that I'll be back
The thought makes me (naturally) smile
SUSAN:
Grandad, Grandad, the duty,
That's what's expected of you.
Grandad, Grandad, the duty,
It's what we need you to do.
GRANDAD!
Dedicated
Follower of Commerce
Tune: Dedicated Follower of Fashion, by The Kinks
You'll see him here, you'll see him there,
A knowing grin, and cheek to spare.
He will sell you anything, but buyer please beware
This man's a dedicated follower of commerce.
And when he does his little rounds,
'Round the hot spots of Morpork Town,
Eagerly purveying all the latest fads and trends,
You'll see a dedicated follower of commerce
C.M.O.T. (C.M.O.T.), C.M.O.T. (C.M.O.T.).
He thinks that there's a fortune in his future,
And when he scents a scam ahead it really makes his night,
He's such a dedicated follower of commerce.
C.M.O.T. (C.M.O.T.), C.M.O.T. (C.M.O.T.).
He's always quick to pick up on a novelty
One week it's the music biz, the next week he's in clicks.
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of commerce.
They seek him here, they seek him there,
In Dagon Street and Sator Square.
Everywhere the customers are out to get his guts,
Each one a victim of the follower of commerce.
C.M.O.T. (C.M.O.T.), C.M.O.T. (C.M.O.T.).
His world is built 'round transactions and profit.
This fortune-seeking entrepreneur always seems to lose
But he's a dedicated follower of commerce.
C.M.O.T. (C.M.O.T.), C.M.O.T. (C.M.O.T.).
He flits from this to that just like a butterfly.
If he can see a dollar, then he's off just like a shot
'Cause he's a dedicated follower of commerce.
He's a dedicated follower of commerce
He's a dedicated follower of commerce
GONNA DIE
Tune: The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel
I am just a wizzard.
And my story's sad to tell,
I have lost my chance at magic
For a glance at the octavo,
And a single spell
Oh what a jest!
Still, the spell stays where it wants to stay
And scares away the rest.
I am told my mum
Abandoned me,
Before I was even born
To the company of strangers
And a life of long unceasing terror
Running scared,
Laying low,
Seeking out a quiet haven
Where excitement never goes,
Looking for the boredom
Happy people know.
CHORUS
I'm gonna die
Gonna die, die, die, die, die
Gonna die
Gonna die d-d- die, die, die
I'm gonna die
Asking nothing but indifference
I come looking for some peace,
But I get no favours.
Just a sight of the Grim Reaper
Always stalking me
I do confess,
There were times when I was too shit scared
To even be depressed.
CHORUS
So I'm clinging to my pointy hat
And wishing I was gone
Run away
To a place where vicious luggage
Cannot follow me,
Swallow me,
Run away.
I've been to Agatea,
And I've done my time in hell
And I carry the reminders
Of ev'ry time I've run from Death
And cried ohshitohshitohshit
I know I'm going to die,
Now I know that Fate detests me
But I never will know why
CHORUS
NO MORE HEROES?
Tune Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty
Winding my way down on Cable Street
Hole in my boots, and I'm dead on my feet
Another lonely day, I drink the pain away
And forget about everything
This stinking city makes me feel so cold, its got
So many people but its got no soul
And it makes me feel so sore, I'm supposed to be the law
But I never do anything.
I used to think I was a good copper
I really tried to be a good copper
But why fight when no-one gives a damn?
And Carrot doesn't grasp what's going on here
He thinks the four of us should make it run here
So naïve, he really thinks we can
Way down the alley there's a mark on the wall
That greasy shadow makes me sick and small
Though it's scumbags that got charred, I think it's time the Guard
Got back on their feet again
They've found this bloody dragon and they've made him king
Sacrificing virgins to him, everything
They're ruining my city, and it really isn't pretty
So I'm back in the seat again
It seems as if we've hit some bad times, yeah
But they reckoned without Sam Vimes, yeah
There's some things I simply won't allow
A million to one chance but we'll keep trying
There are worse things to be faced than dying
Make my day, the law's in charge here now!
Dwarf King
You’re not our real son-
Give up this fantasy-
You’re on the tall side
No escape from reality -
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see –
Isn’t the ceiling, just a bit close to you?
Carrot dear, it’s time to go,
Don’t you see the roof’s too low?
You’ve outgrown the mine now, Time to take the road to
-destiny-,
Carrot
Minty, I’m leaving here,
They are sending me away,
I’ll be going any day;
Minty, I will miss you so
But I’m off to be a man, within the Watch -
Minty, ooo,
Didn't mean to make you cry
I’ll write to you when I get to Ankh-Morepork -
Carry on, carry on, as if it doesn’t really matter-
Off now, my time has come,
My Protective on my head-
Should it be elsewhere instead?
Goodbye everybody -I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and start anew –
Ankh-Morepork, ooo-
It seems so far away,
But still I think it could be where I ‘m needed -
l see a little silhouetto of a thing
Nobby Nobbs, Nobby Nobbs can he really be quite human?
Fred Colon and the Captain – what on earth is happening here?
Fabricate, Fabricate,
Fabricate, Fabricate
Fabricate Diem Pvnk – Protect and Serve -
But I'm just a new boy and nobody knows me –
But I have a rule book, know how it should be –
The laws and ordinances of the city -
Carrot & Vimes (Vimes voice in italics)
Easy come easy go , you have to let them go –
It’s the law! No, we will not let them go -let them go
It’s the law! We will not let them go-let them go
It’s the law! Will not let them go-let them go
Will not let them go - let them go
Will not let them go - let them go
No, no, no, no, no, no, no –
Vimes
Corporal Carrot, Corporal Carrot, Corporal Carrot let them go
Vetinari has some scathing words to say, to me, to me
to me –
Carrot
So you think you can get drunk leave things to rot -
So you think you lay there and act like a sot --
Oh Captain – Can’t let this happen Captain –
You’ve gotta get up – You’ve gotta take charge of things now –
Yes it really matters -
Anyone can see
The city needs a Night Watch - The city needs a police force to be free.
Just leave it to the Night Watch (gong sound of salute as fist hits breast plate over heart)
Angua
Tune: Always a woman, Billy Joel
She can kill without thought
She can wound with a bite
She can give you a turn on a full moonlit night
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides what she is
But she's always a woman to me
She can lead with her nose
And you'd better believe her
If she asks for the truth
Just don't try to deceive her
And she'll go where you lead her as long as she's free
She runs like a wolf
But she's always a woman to me
CHORUS
She can take care of herself
She can go where she wants
She's got no fear of crime
And though she can be a bitch
It's not really her fault
She just changes sometimes
She looks like a dream
From the Garden of Eden
But she'll go for your throat and
Then laugh while you're bleedin'
Just fall foul of the law
And see how hard she'll be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me
CHORUS
She is frequently harsh
But not needlessly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she'll pay what she owes you
It's her own honour's fee
And the most she will do
Is raise hackles at you
But she's always a woman to me
Two
City Guards
To the Tune of Two Little Boys
Two city guards
One scrawny one large
Each had a badge and bell
Walking the streets
Out on the beat
"Two O'clock and All's Well"
Up goes a shout
A thief dashes out
Out from the Mended Drum
Nobby and Fred
Both shake their heads
Go back the way they've come
A guard's life is pretty easy
If you know how to close your eyes
Stroll along nonchalant and breezy
It's not courageous, but still it's wise
It's not like they're paid a fortune
To take risks or work too hard
And no-one but them takes care of
The life of two city guards
So time passed
Change came so fast
Carrot has joined the fray
A dragon's wings beat
And out on the street
Terror and fear hold sway
Up on a roof
It's time for the proof
That million-to-one comes through
Nobby and Fred
Both shaking with dread
Do what they have to do
You'd think they would run away now
But Nobby and Fred are true
There's just them left to save the day now
They've got a job to do
And though they may shake and tremble
At the prospect of being charred
They'll stand fast and pray for mercy
On the souls of two city guards
Cheri
Tune Roxanne by The Police
My Sam
Tune: 'Only You' by Yazoo
Seems I spent my whole life alone
In my ancestral home
I was content to,
Dragons occupied all my thoughts
Were my passion and cause
And my friends too
Then I met him and my whole life changed
I know that people must have found it strange
But he's no common man,
Not my Sam
Yes, he is a Guard to the core
It's his love for the law
That defines him
He doesn't feel at home in my set
And the whole etiquette
Quite confines him
But though he's very little time for me
He's all the husband that I hoped he'd be
A strong and decent man,
Is my Sam
There's no way you could call him posh
He's as blunt as a cosh
And as stunning
He's the kind of man who's direct
But when you need him you bet
He'll come running
And I know with Samuel by my side
I get a feeling of enormous pride
A very special man
Is my Sam
A TALE OF KINGS
Tune The Londonderry Air
In the Ramtops, amongst the peaks of Lancre
There lived a king and Verence was his name
Until the day when he was cruelly mu-urdered
By Felmet and his Duchess of ill-fame
But a young prince was spirited to freedom
By witches three, and a travelling players band
To grow up strong, and wise and noble
And restore the rightful crown to this bleak land
But while he grew, the evil king in Lancre
Was taxing things as evil kings will do
Removing trees, and generally abusing
The witches and his predecessor too
So one strong witch, the locals knew as Granny
Undertook a monumental flight
To move the land fifteen years in the future
She girded it by broomstick one dark night
And as it moved the band of strolling players
Commanded thence, returned to do a tour
Designed to fool the honest local yokels
That things were better now than days of yore
But the three witches fateful interference
Erased the smile from Felmet's evil face
And in the troupe the prince now grown to manhood
Was close on hand to take his rightful place
But wait! The prince would not take up his duties
He spurned the crown to lead an actors life
So the witches gaze turned to a Fool in motley
The son of a court jester and his wife
Is seemed the queen and this Fools sainted mother
Had both borne sons to just one man alone
The Fool was proved the younger prince's brother
So now a Fool sits firm on Lancre's throne.
go to top
THE JOYE OF SNACKES
Tune Ilkley Moor Baht'at
Say, have you read the latest book?
It's making quite a stir around the city
It's loosely about the way to cook
You really will have to take a look
It's by A Lancre Witch, it ought to make her rich
You must catch this sales pitch
Much more than simply recipes
It has some quite unusual additions
Strange things that you could do with cheese
And not to mention mushy peas
Bananana surprise! You won't believe your eyes!
It's bound to get a rise
If you'd like to add some spice to life
The Joye of Snackes is bound to have the answer
Something to energise the wife
Or have your husband running rife
Just open up page five, grab rice and nuts and chives
Soon "stuffing" comes alive!
This book of culinary arts
Will surely brighten up your daily menu
There's Beef and Pork and Roots and Hearts
There's Cobblers, Sauce and Buns and Tarts
So whip and knead and beat, and cream and toss and eat!
Till sated, and replete.
Sometimes we feel we've got to fly away
We've got to get away from the stakes you'd drive into the heart of us
The blood we take, seems some kind of fake
And we've lost our way
For we're quite confused, we feel strange and fey
Once we hunted you, now we run from you
This tainted blood you've given
It's turned us into something different
Stole our edge and that's not nearly aaaaaall
Tainted blood, oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh, tainted blood
Now we know we've got to run away, we've got to get away
Lancre doesn't hold any more for us
To make thinks right we need some blood to drink at night
And you think we should drink tea
But we're sorry tea's not what we need
Once we hunted you, now we flee from you
This tainted blood you've given
It's turned us into something different
Stole our edge and that's not nearly aaaaaall
Tainted blood, oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh, tainted blood
Don't hurt us please we cannot stand your horrid teas
You've beat us though we hurt you so
So we're gonna pack our things and go
Tainted blood, oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh, tainted blood oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Tainted blood, oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh, tainted blood oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh
We've got granny's tainted blood
We've got granny's tainted blood
Tainted blood, oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh, tainted blood oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Tainted blood.
Midsummer Dreaming
Tune 'Hushabye Mountain' (From Chitty Chitty Bang Bang)
A little breeze blows down from the Dancers
Chills your flesh as it passes near
And fills your dreams with strange fascination
Fantasies fair, and dark nameless fear
Don't close your eyes too close to the Dancers
You may find your dreams all come true
And elves that seemed so fine when you dreamed them
May come to be a nightmare for you.
The De Magpyrs Anthem
Tune: All you need is love, The Beatles
Blood, Blood, Blood.
Blood, Blood, Blood.
Blood, Blood, Blood.
There's no deed so dark it can't be done.
No neck so tough it can't be wrung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's easy.
Nothing we can make that can't be made.
No one you can save, they can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but they will learn how to be meat in time.
It's easy.
All we need is blood.
All we need is blood.
All we need is blood, Blood.
Blood is all we need.
All we need is blood.
All we need is blood.
All we need is blood, Blood.
Blood is all we need.
Nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can think that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where we know you'll be.
It's easy.
All we need is blood.
All we need is blood.
All we need is blood, Blood.
Blood is all we need.
All we need is blood (All together, now!)
All we need is blood. (Everybody!)
All we need is blood, Blood.
Blood is all we need (Blood is all we need).
VErence
and Magrat
Tune:
Fool on the Hill by The Beatles.
Night after night, asleep on the floor
The man with the foolish hat keeps watch in front of a door
But nobody seems to notice,
They can tell that he's just a fool,
And he isn't even funny,
But one lonely wet hen
Sees the pain in his face,
And the eyes in her head,
See the man, not the fool.
The flow'rs in her hair, wilt just like the rest
Of the witch with the new-age style, and peas on ironing-board chest
And nobody listens to her,
Or the words that she tries to say,
And she always feels so stupid
But the fool with his bells
Looks at her with a smile
And the thoughts in his head
Are a man's, not a fool's.
And though Magrat knows she likes him
She's not sure what she should do.
And he's shy about his feelings,
But the fool, now a king
Sees the sun in her hair,
And his tentative kiss,
Is a man's, not a fool's.
Night after night, asleep on the floor
The man with the foolish crown keeps watch behind his great door
But though people bow down to him,
Deep inside he is just the fool,
Still trying be of service,
While the witch looking on
Sees the fear in his heart,
And the love in her eyes,
Is for man, and for fool.
ONCE IN GREAT
ANKH-MORPORK CITY
Tune Once in royal David's City
Once in great Ankh-Morpork city
Lived a scion of the king
He was tall and strong and royal
Knew everyone and they knew him
But instead of crown and throne
A watchman’s badge he made his own
And his friends were far from noble
Far from human truth be told
And his lover was a werewolf
His colleagues golems, dwarfs and trolls
Yet he felt no kingly scorn
Amongst the lowly and forlorn
For he took to be his mentor
A suspicious bastard known as Vimes
Who believed the highest calling
Keeping law and fighting crimes
Protect and serve -- a noble aim
King or policeman, both the same
THE 12 DAYS OF HOGSWATCH
Tune -- obvious
On the twelfth day of Hogswatch my true love sent to me
A book from Weight Watchers
Eleven well braised livers
Ten tasty sweetbreads
Nine suckling piglets
Eight trotters garnished
Seven legs a roasting
Six pounds of chit’lings
Five inna bun
Four bacon ends
Three boiled hams
Two tenderloins and
A long string of pork sausageees
Away
in Ankh-Morpork
Tune -- obvious
Away in Ankh-Morpork, the night growing late
Lord Downey is working, a fire in the grate.
Unheard and unbidden, a client appears,
The strangest commission the guild's had in years.
A fee of three million, cannot be dismissed
Yet how can you murder what doesn't exist?
To kill a tradition, and wipe out its ghost
You need an assassin more twisted than most
Yet one there is lurking, a true psychopath
Who's planned it already and done all the math
With this man on the mission, it's as good as been done
Say 'Goodbye' to Hogfather (and his wife, dog, and son).
The
Matchgirl
Tune:
In the bleak midwinter
Through the winter city
Wind blows bitter cold
Duty calls the Reaper
To collect a soul
Snow is falling, gentle, soft
On a childish form,
Just a bunch of matches,
Left to keep her warm.
She huddles in the shadows
No shelter to be found
The child is quickly failing
Angels gather round
For the poor and helpless
Hogswatch holds no cheer
It's just as harsh and cruel as
Any time of year.
A feeling of betrayal
Haunts the Reaper's mind
Should the festive spirit
Not be just and kind?
An impulse of rebellion
He cannot resist
And this sad old story
Gains a newer twist
Turning on the Seraphs
He puts them to flight
No innocent young orphan
Needs to die tonight
Seeking for an answer
He spies a passing pair
And he gives the matchgirl
Into the Watches care.
So for just one Hogswatch
Fate will be denied
Death resumes his mantle
Grimly satisfied
To once avoid his duty
And all the rules to bend
To bring a happy ending
Instead of just THE END
While
Watchmen Walk
Tune:
O Little Town
While watchmen walk the streets by night
And children are asleep
A dreadful crime is taking place
Enough to make you weep
A motley crew of evil types
Assassin, lock pick, thief
Are out to steal our innocence
And murder our belief
How silently the crime occurs
No cries to mark the sin
But deep in childish fantasies
A fatal doubt sets in
And 'tis deep in dreamlands misty maze
The battle will be won
There is but one can follow there
To save the rising sun
But one, alone, by virtue of
Her strange heredity
She routs the villains armed with just
Her practicality
While pokers serve to overcome
The monsters in your dreams
It's childlike fears you use to kill
Real monsters, and their schemes
And yet, there's need of something more
To set the world to rights
A somewhat thinner festive saint
Must fly this hogswatch night
To keep credulity intact
So none need ever know
The only sign of aught amiss
A morbid "HO HO HO"
Beggars
we in Ankh-Morpork's Snow
Tune: We Three
Kings
ALL:
Beggars we in Ankh-Morpork's snow
Reviled and shunned wherever we go
Shuffling, tattered, bruised and battered,
Murmuring grim and low.
Chorus
O spare a copper, don't be tight,
For the poor this Hogswatch night,
We're cold and empty, you have plenty,
Come on squire and do what's right.
DUCK MAN:
In charity, sir, please spare a buck,
For this sad soul who's down on his luck
May I importune, your good fortune
Duck sir? I have no duck.
(Chorus)
COFFIN HENRY:
Oh Lady, please, I beg be a toff.
This bitter night may carry me off.
I need some money, for lemon and honey,
And whisky to ease this cough.
(Chorus)
GASPODE:
And Foul Old Ron, though stinking it's true
Was once a healthy lad much like you.
But now he mutters down in the gutters,
So toss him a coin or two
(Chorus)
ALL:
Remember now that though you may moan,
At least you have a hearth and a home.
And thank your luck that you're not like us
who freeze in the dark alone.
(Chorus)
LLAMEDOS
Tune: Green Green Grass of Home
Now the olld lland llooks the same
As I sight it through the rain
and there to meet me are the druids and the harpers.
Down the road I llook and there stands Blodwen,
hair allll llank and white robe sodden.
It's good to squellch the wet, wet grass of home.
Yes, they'llll allll sing to greet us, harps playing, dear Llamedos.
Will drift across the wet, wet grass of home.
The olld stones are still standing
Tho' they're green with slime and mould,
And there's that altar that I used to chant at.
Down the lane I splash with my sweet Blodwen,
Cross the blades, dank and downtrodden.
It's good to squellch the wet, wet grass of home.
Yes, they'llll allll sing to greet us, harps playing, dear Llamedos.
Will drift across the wet, wet grass of home.
[spoken:]
Then I awake and llook around me
At the four grey walls that surround me
And then I realize that it was just a vision
I'm a worlld away from dear Llamedos
'mongst trolls and dwarves and other bleeders
How I yearn to squellch the wet, wet grass of home
How I wish they would greet me
With their voices ringing sweetly
As I squellch across the wet, wet grass of home
go to top
COPPERHEAD
Tune: Land of My Fathers
My mem'ries are filled with thy mountains and hills
The deep caves I dwelt in that call to my soul
And most of all, I love thy gold.
Gold! Gold!
Thy beauty has me in its hold,
They weight, thy gleam,
Haunt all my dreams,
O, wonderful metal,
O, gold!
And though far from thee I may wearily roam,
In quieter moments my thoughts will fly home,
To the sweet hills I've left and the mines they enfold,
And the beautiful shining of gold.
Gold! Gold!
Thy beauty has me in its hold,
They weight, thy gleam,
Haunt all my dreams,
O, wonderful metal,
O, gold!
Though I travel the whole Disc its wonders to see,
No other land could hold such beauty as thee
For despite all their heroes, their warriors bold
They cannot have Copperhead's gold.
Gold! Gold!
Thy beauty has me in its hold,
They weight, thy gleam,
Haunt all my dreams,
O, wonderful metal,
O, gold!
Oh Sto Lat, Land of Brassicae
Gods bless thy wide demesnes
And gift thee with the gentle rains
That bring the blooming of thy plains
An endless sea of greens! (rpt)
Oh verdant land, oh garden state
May harvests never fail
Thy cabbages and tender sprouts
The cauliflow'rs amongst thy clouts
Thy broccoli and kale! (rpt)
Oh Sto Lat, stolid, useful land
Thou art beyond compare
Let other nations envy thee
Thy health, thy wealth and finally
Thy sulphur scented air! (rpt)